Tired of yelling at kids from the sidelines of your 6 year old’s soccer game only to watch them disappoint the hell out of you and not score? Good news, thanks to genetic testing you can now test their acuity for the sport and help them score some sick goals, and if they don’t have the genes for it you can just prevent them from playing sports at all, because sports are only fun if you’re good and beat people.

Sure, the idea isn’t exactly new. But this Soccer Genomics company and their advertising is so egregious. Soccer Genomics is a Miami-based company that promises to improve your child’s soccer game by analyzing their genome. They promise to do this by analyzing your child’s “Soccer Genes,” right… Just watch this ad, if I didn’t know otherwise I would swear it was from The Onion.

The sad reality is that such testing is pure bullshit. Genetics isn’t a simple set of on/off switches. You can’t check that the speed, endurance, and kicking skill genes are on and expect a kid to make it big. Sadly, the more realistic outcome is that a bunch of kids that could have grown up playing sports and enjoying them will be turned off to them when their parents reveal their disappointing genetic makeup. Here’s what The British Journal of Sports Medicine has to say on the issue:

There is concern over the lack of clarity of information over which specific genes or variants are being tested and the almost universal lack of appropriate genetic counselling for the interpretation of the genetic data to consumers. Furthermore independent studies have identified issues relating to quality control by DTC laboratories with different results being reported from samples from the same individual. Consequently, in the current state of knowledge, no child or young athlete should be exposed to DTC genetic testing to define or alter training or for talent identification aimed at selecting gifted children or adolescents.

Now have a laugh and watch this:

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